My thoughts

I wanted to share my thoughts with you because lately I am faced with the harsh reality of mapping out a plan for my daughter's future.  She will be turning 17 next month and with each passing birthday I can't help but feel like we've been robbed.  Her autism has robbed her of her life.  While I've heard many parallels about mom's who say mothering a child with autism is like planning a trip to Italy and you wind up in Holland.  Yes, I can agree with that whole concept but its hard to keep my emotions in check.  Its a mixed bag of anger, guilt, sadness, depression, frustration, being afraid, and then glimmers of hope that I must deal with.  My emotions are so raw its ridiculous.

While she is a diamond in the rough, I have no doubt she will find her niche in this world, I can't help but feel that right now she is trapped in a life she is not happy with.  As her mom, I am crushed beyond any one's imagination.  .

The worst part is that she is fully aware of her peers and what they're doing in comparison to what she is (or isn't).  Almost every day I hear her say, wait scratch that, SCREAM , "I hate my life!"  While losing a child is the ultimate loss for a parent, I feel a disability of this caliber is probably the 2nd worst thing a mom (or dad) has to endure.  My husband chooses to deal with this very differently.  Knowing we must accept the life she is living is not what any of us wanted.  Trying to deal with that mental baggage each day is draining.  There are so many things I need to focus on before she turns 18.  Fortunately for everyone involved, we have a wonderful therapist who has been working with Alexa 3 times a week and I am in constant contact with her.  She is committed to helping me make sense of this next chapter.  Its very scary and I'm grateful I don't have to go through it alone.

What has helped me keep my head afloat is my dedication to my health & fitness goals.  I have worked hard to get where I am and know that my workouts and connections to positive, inspiring people help me stay focused.  Fitness is my outlet.  My way of changing my mindset.  It helps me shift the focus away from being a mom to my children, a wife to my husband and all the other hats I wear on a continuous basis.  For the longest time I would put my goals, hopes, aspirations and dreams on hold.  I am no longer willing to do that.  I'm finally learning to put myself first while still making my family a priority.  It wasn't easy at first but I must say its gotten better.  Its definitely a juggling act.

Someone I admire very much gave me this very insightful perspective.  He told me each of us has a challenge we're dealing with.  A cross to bear.  Its how it ignites each of us to overcome or to fight against it.  Its why we have it in the first place.  Its hard to accept the fact that if I choose to look at it from this perspective, and also harder for me to accept that this may be a lesson for me to learn at my daughter's expense.  I definitely am not the same person I was before I had her.  I've had to step up to the plate and be ready for each pitch.  Has it made me a better "player?"  Some days I doubt myself but I know I've grown in so many ways.  It has made me stronger and more resilient. I have no choice but to be the best mom I can be for her.  She is counting on me. 

What has helped me bounce back (and forth) is that each day I choose to be positive.  Laughter has been the best medicine for me.  I know the situation we're in could be much worse.  It still hurts though and one day, my hope is that she finds her own happiness.  That's really all a mom could ask for is to see their children be happy.